You’ve had your suspicions for months now after you first noticed that they’d often sleep all day and clank around the apartment all night. It’s time to confirm the horrifying truth. Here are the warning signs:
- They’re Eerily Nice
The bathroom is ALWAYS cleaned before you even have a chance to think about it, your dishes always miraculously vanish from where you left them in the sink the night before, and they politely remind you about every upcoming bill in a freakishly non-naggy way. Your shampoo bottle is never running mysteriously low.
You secretly suspect that anyone this nice is probably in a cult and planning to gain your trust in order to use you for their human sacrifice.
- They Perform Everyday Acts of Witchcraft
HOW? Where does he put them all? You never really see him eat, either… DOES he eat? Or is it just a show that he puts on to hide the fact that he subsists solely on your lifeforce?
- They Can Make Money Appear From Thin Air On Command
They haven’t paid the cable bill in months, but every week she has a new outfit and can afford a trip to Padre with her friends. He always seems to have an endless supply of money when you all go out drinking. Are they surreptitiously performing Dark Magicks rituals for money and power? And where does all that money go when it’s actually needed? More mysteries from the underworld…
- They Leave Signs of their Evil Presence
A lone sock has been lying in wait for you to draw near on the living room floor for weeks. You suspect that it’s booby-trapped. A smear of what can only be sacrificial lamb’s blood (or maybe strawberry jelly) has been crusting all over your kitchen counter for days now.
They probably left it there as a malicious warning. These are likely the signs of the coming apocalypse.
- They Mark Their Territory With Ferocity
Even if it once belonged to you; abandon all hope. It’s theirs now. Your juice in the fridge? Theirs now that they drank directly from the bottle while you were at work. Your comb? They’ll leave their devil-hairs on it, just to show you who’s boss. They label everything as their own. They even conveniently pee all over the toilet. Just to mark their territory and put you in your place.
- They Engage In Small, Everyday Acts of Torture
They’re probably purposely not taking out the trash in order to hurt you, right? They want to break you down psychologically. Don’t let the Dark forces win. Leave a passive aggressive note or something.
- They Seem to Be Shedding Their Human Form All Over the Bathroom
The drain is clogged with an inhuman amount of hair, there are finger- and toenail clippings scattered everywhere, and their DNA is generally spread around as liberally as possible. Pretty sure that the only logical conclusion is that they’re preparing for their demon form to fully emerge.
- They’re Drawing Pentagrams on Your Living Room Floor and Speaking in Tongues
Ok, in this case your roommate is actually Satan.
If they’re sprouting horns, cloven hooves, and they keep spilling their toothpaste all over the bathroom counter, then it’s probably justifiable to break your lease.